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10:30 pm
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no myspace
ok im am going litteraly crazy with out my myspace, i have so much to say and so much i wanna do. im gunna go crazy. so i guess im just gunna type in here. so sunday will be amazing. im going to go hang out. so tuesday they schedual me for work but i have a game, wednesday we have practice, thursday we have practice, friday game, sat competition and dance, and sunday freddy, monday show maybe, and so on. i duno lifes wierd now! everything is just so different.
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10:37 pm
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update
he called last night.
i was so happy. i missed his voice so much! im tryign really hard to see him. i was gunna go see him today but i couldnt. hes so beautiful. i dotn care if he thinks hes changed he is the most beautiful person iv ever met. so i decided. im going to marry him and he is the one im spending the rest of my life with. now you may all think im crazy and over board but... liek i said once before. take something you can't live a day without. soemthing that you just cant imagin your life without. and take it away for a week. you'll die inside i know you will... well i die a little more inside every day with out him. the only reason im still alive is cuz i love him and i believe he loves me. lets really really hope... so yeah madly in love and i will see him soon... no matter what it takes!!
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08:05 pm
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can't stop crying
Well like I said im reading this book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Its an amazing book I got it on…. Monday? I think. And well I have 43 pages left ill prolly finish it tonight. I can’t wait to get my next book ill prolly take one of the suggestions from the back. I love when books do that. And movies. Well the other day I was walking to cheer practice and I started thinking… about him. And I miss him so much. I just want to tell him. Id tell him all the things I miss about him, and everything that’s been on my mind.
“I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your soft hair that I used to run my fingers through. I miss you lying in my arms. I miss missing you. I miss our phone calls. I miss you singing. I miss the sound of you sleeping. I miss your arms around me. I miss your amazing brown eyes. I miss your hands in mine. Its amazing how well they fit together. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss watching movies with you that I can’t watch with other people. I miss telling you my dreams. I miss dreaming about you. I miss the feeling of being loved. I miss hiding in bushes with you. I miss talking on the phone with you in the dead of winter and you’d be outside in nothing but your boxers and a trench coat. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss hearing the laugh you get when your so happy. I miss all the things you said to/about me. I miss the way you hands felt on me. I miss swinging on the tire swing. I miss the little purple pills I wasn’t aloud to have (haha). I miss the way you made me feel like I was never a freak. I miss they way I could tell you what I really thought and felt and months later you still remember it word for word. I miss telling you I love you. I miss “ sweet dreams my sweets”. I miss B/K together. I miss you talking about your friends. I miss how id do anything you said because I loved you. I miss talking to you mom. I miss giving each other presents. I miss the stupid things we had that no one could ever know/understand. I miss crying cuz I miss you so much. I miss being let down every time I didn’t get to see you. I miss trying to walk to your house a million times in the winter. I miss you always being there for me. I miss trying my hardest to make you happy, even though I always felt like I failed. I miss kissing you and it feeling as if I could just die so happy that there’s nothing better. God I hate crying. I miss the way you look at me. I miss your breath on me. I know I wasn’t the best girlfriend but I swear to you I will be next time. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. For god sakes its been almost what 4 years? Iv been in love with you for so long. I will not let you down this time. I will make sure I see you I will make sure I make you happy this time. Just come back. Give me 2 or 3 weeks and I will see you every day if you wish. I will see you every month if you wish. It doesn’t matter. In 2 or 3 weeks we make the rules we can do this. Don’t tell me you love me again don’t tell me you miss me again if you don’t wanna try again. We can do this now. Just let me do this.” And then I cry like I am now… I miss him guys. iv never felt so horrible, so miserable, so lost and hopeless until I lost him. Saturday will be 8 months. I love him guys. I really do take the one thing in your life you cant go a day with out, something you care so much for and you feel so deeply for and just get ride of it for one week. How horrible and lost and incomplete you feel. Now times it by 35 and that’s how it is. 35 weeks with out the one thing you feel like you’d die with out. It’s the worst. I hate telling people this I hate people knowing how bad I feel. But god.
“the time that we kill keeps us alive”
too many sad songs remind me of him
Current Mood:  so heart broken
Current Music: rise against
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07:51 pm
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what a day
well i started out by wakeing up and i got up and fell right down, showered, and grabed my things for school. left got to school went to gym and realized i didnt have a gym shirt so i had to sit out (i didnt care)and then ment i didnt have a shirt for cheerleading. so i saw joele and she was depressed cuz of the break up with richie. and i guess i made it worse... im going to just stop trying im so sick of screwing things up... and then everything was normal and then i went to practice. ugh i hate my mom... shes such a bitch and she wont listen to me... im trying to tell her whats wrong with her car even my teacher has backed me up and ugh my mom has no idea what she talking about and im trying to tell her and she wont fucking listen shes really pissing me off. ugh fuck her im not fixing her car any more... she is so fuckign dumb oh my god ugh now im too fucking pissed to even fuckign be on...
"within my bones this resignates boiling blod with circulate"
Current Mood:  pissed off
Current Music: rise against
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09:33 pm
[Link] | well at the current time i am reading the perks of being a wallflower. great book go read it... anyone has any book suggestions for me bring them on hahaha... well work sucks im trying to get a new job... one that will give me hours... and cheerleading.. is cheerleading... my birthday is comeing up. its the 12th if any one cares. umm i still havent gotten over him and at the current moment i dont think i have a date to homecoming joelle said shed find me one... i duno no one wants to go with me i guess.. other then girls but thats kind of gay... well im hopeing danny comes back online i want him to IM me... he prolly wont but its worth it if he does... umm im only really doing this for jenny cuz she bored hahah. anything for her... iv been so lonely and depressed like always... ugh i fucked up big time with a frien of mine i wont sya who or what really but lets just say you knwo how things seem different to other people... well it seemed fine to me but rightfully so it wasnt to her and now shes upset and i really wish i could fix it but i dont know how... anyone got any ideas.... this beign with out me haveing to tell you ahhahaha... i wish i didnt always fuck things up... and i dont mean just with her i mean in general... ugh i wish hed come online.... i miss danny oh and there is this song its so amazing its called my hump... go donwload it and listen good
Current Mood: lonely and hurt
Current Music: my hump
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11:45 pm
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To Danny no one else
this is to danny since this is prolly the only way i have to talk to you since your not at home any more and i dont have a way to call you at school... so you got to call me. i miss you. i cried so much last night just thinking about how much i miss you!! you have no idea... i hate missing you i just want to call you and hear your voice even if its saying you can't talk or your busy or your i duno leaveing... just i want to tell you so many things i have so much to say you have no idea... ugh... i just want a f-ing phone call kid... i mean damn when was the last time you called me? always complaing i dont call you... tisk tisk.. l.l. that was a joke by the way... hee hee... so yeah so much to say call me kid damn... well bye sweets... *kisses*
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: mike playing napolean solo
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10:47 pm
[Link] | ugh so in love with you. i can't stop. i dont want to. god i love you
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04:01 pm
[Link] | first i want to start off with this freak... ok so theres this guy whos liek obsest over me and he like comments to me no what a horrible person i am and so on trying to get me to feel like shit. well he just wrote another comment to me about all this horrible wierd stuff he does to animals.. what a freak you should all read this here...
"well you have one thing right my friend. I am doing this because i get a kick out of it. I am trying to torment. And i prolly will never tell taressa who i am. But dont you ever once in your mind think that you know my type. You havent met anyone like me befor and unless you acually meet me(Youve walked right past me many times) you'll just have a silloette of what i am. Ive only said fractions of info on myself and a try to talk in riddles. Let me ask you somthing "danny". Have you ever pushed a needle threw a flys back only to let him go knowing that he will die? Or sew a chicken head on a mouses body just to see if it clucked?(whitch it did) If not then just throw the idea that you have a map of my mind out because this is uncharted territory. and theres only growing down from here on in."
hahah a few things... one danny didnt wright what he was talking about, 2, know one knows who that was. and all the horrible things he does to animal... id never go out with a freak like that hahaha... i mean who cuts off a chicken head ?? thats fucking sick hahahahahaa you need help kid
oh man thats sick hahahaha
and second. button is so adorable and sexy and he made my day yesterday
third. danny is the best thing ever i love him so much
fourth. dont worry P.R.A. ill call the midnight.
5th) my pants are too tight ahahaha
6th) warped tour the the most crazy just i duno awesome. (even if i thought i was gunna die)
7th) i miss danny
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07:49 am
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15 mins and counting
oh man today is warped tour getting ready to be picked up im so excited i can't help it oh man oh man.... i feel like jumpping up and down screaming!! woot!!! oh and by the way thursday im getting my contacts....
sweet bitches!!!
Current Mood:  excited
Current Music: any band at warped
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05:12 pm
[Link] | haha so i tell my friend ho wi think her friend is hot. not meanign anythign by it its more of a liek you know its true type thing. and someone comments back... hes had a girlfriend for a logn time... so you know...
why would i care if he did? i dont want to get with him and id never make a move. i was just saying... some people think too into things. its funny how iv notice every time you say something about someone being hot or a good person everyone thinks your going to try to get with them... no thats not how it works with me. i can think something and not react. its possible people. try it.
on another note... i love danny so much and i miss him more then anything... he is the happiness inside me. and he just is amazing... i wish there was a better word then amazing. cuz if there was hed be it but more... oh i love danny miller
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12:50 pm
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: \
do to the fact that im extreamly lonely and since i know no one will do this here it goes....
email this to me so not everyone gets it too... chikie22@hotmail.com
So it seems everyone is doing one of these and me being so lonely all the time I thought id make one as well… fill in after number. Example
GOOD:
1) name: bill joe
2) age:17
BAD:
Bill joe
17
1) Name:
2) Age:
3) Height:
4) Favorite color:
5) Animal lover?
6) Dream date:
7) Relationship or hook up?
8) Smoke:
9) Drink:
10) Drugs of any kind?
11) Idea of the perfect girl:
12) Do you have your license:
13) Do you have a car:
14) Work:
15) What do you expect from me:
16) Hobbies:
17) Cell phone:
18) Amount of free time:
19) How far are you willing to drive:
20) Can you deal with girl bullshit:
21) Will you take me around your friends?
22) Will you tell me you love me?
23) Interesting fact:
24) Now convince me to pick you:
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03:48 pm
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R.I.P. Matt
chris- so how are you lately? anythign new
me- well my face and head hurt from amys ass but we got the moutn up the second try. so thats cool. i got my cheerleading uniform yesterday too. i went to matt funeral and lunch thing today. i hate seeing everyone crying.it makes me wonder if i died who would go. who would care. would it be the people who i would want there or random people who only go because they didnt want to feel bad for not going. i duno im a fag. hey you know what im gunna put this in my journal hahahah..
and there it is. ugh life sucks the service made me realize how bullshit a lot of things are. i dont want to get into it now. cuz id feel like an ass hole but i know how i feel and think and i know a lot of people who are being gayer about the whoel thing so i duno im done ugh shit.
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03:49 pm
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an amazing movie...
Alice: Why am I here?
Duchess: To save Jack from a death worse than fate!
Mad Hatter: Time marches on its stomach!
Alice: It's an army that marches on its stomach!
March Hare: It doesn't matter what's supposed to march on its stomach. It's time to move down.
"Sentence first, verdict afterwards."
""Tut, tut, child," said the Duchess. "Everything's got a moral if only you can find it.""
"The different branches of Arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."
"Now, here you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
""The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—Of cabbages—and kings—And why the sea is boiling hot—And whether pigs have wings.""
"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter.""
""When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master—that's all.""
"How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, "Who in the world am I?" Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
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12:54 pm
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you knwo your wasted when you tell him youv liked him since you were 11...
so yesterday was suppose to consist of danny and me. but that didnt work.... so heres what i did....
i went to the mall/starbucks/media play/sub way. then to chris. from chris i went to sara opies grad party. from there i went to diddys grad party, then i came home and the went to mikes... sobered up there (kinda) and went to jennys grad party... this is where i toped off and got wasted..... went back to mikes. walked home...... passed out in my bed and woke up at 8...
see i dont know about you kids but when ever i drink (more then just one beer or so) i tend to wake up at like 8 even if i go to bed at 5... its fucking weird...
so what i came home with after yesterday... some kind named roches' cell phone, new sneakers, new socks, a poster of one of the best movies with the best star, A Elvis cd, and not a hang over... i gotta find this kid and give him back his cell hahha.
any onme know FOR SURE when Matts wake is?
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12:51 pm
[Link] | so i guess this is what happened...
he went to puke or spit or something off the edge and he fell and landed on his back. he then threw up and it went into his lungs and he died... but they also put him it a car and drove 10 miles to the hospital which explains me not hearing the commotion.
R.I.P. Matt
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12:57 am
[Link] | wow matt. i feel bad. i feel even worse cuz i didnt know him well. it makes me realize all the people i dont know enough. and next year is the last chance ill get. next year im gunna try to be as close with everyone i can. and for all the people who iv ever been mean to just because i thought i was better then you. im sorry... i hate how horrible shit is the only thing that can make you open your fucking eyes.
rest in peace matt. i wish i knew you a lot better
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11:36 am
[Link] | keep smiling bright eyes. awww such a beautiful girl should be so sad. hope things are better....
ugh how right he is....
someone: And the one you love is totally inresponsive,and oblivious to the fact that you'd give your whole life,and everything in it,to just fix the things that went wrong
so im so dramatic but its just because im so in love. and so heart broken.
im so emo/ scremo now its funny
Current Music: hawthorn hights- ohio
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01:29 am
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i would like some help on this one....
i hate when he says he loves me it bothers the hell out of me. he doesnt know what love is if he says it all the time. i duno i didnt think hed fall so fast. i feel bad i dont like him more then i do. i duno if i could im so in love right now i dont think i could honestly like someone else. i dont know how to tell him with out hurting his feelings. i mean hes a great kid i like hanging out with him but i doubt anything will happen... i duno any suggestions? ugh i just wish i could have him back and get all this bull shit over with..
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02:08 am
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to my one and only love. who broke my heart in 1000 pieces
All the love one could contain.
You are my world, my shining star in the blackest sky, my last breath I take. The sweetest candy, and the most deadly sin. You are the beat from my heart I can feel through my chest, so powerful and exciting. You’re the only taste I want left on my lips. The only touch I want to go over my skin. You are the trembling I experience when I cry, the deep breath I take when I picture your amazing brown eyes. You are the goose bumps I get when I hear your voice. You are everything to me. And I may be nothing to you, but I don’t lie, and I don’t break promises. I love you and that is the purest thing anyone can ever feel. Iv never truly felt it before and I doubt I will ever feel it again for someone else. Iv kept my promise; I’m waiting for you. Don’t make me wait here for nothing. Don’t make me kill myself over you, more then I have. Come back to me. I’m not me any more. You’re the only one who will under stand this. But I don’t want to be that little girl and I know you don’t want me to be either, so come back Danny... I love you.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: there are worse things i could do - Stockard Channing
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11:48 pm
[Link] |
i miss danny
thanks to courtney...
As the evening breeze waves across the open meadow,
and the last song bird beds down for the night, my thoughts
turn to you. When the evening's crickets began to play
there song for the stars, my thoughts turn to you.
As I lie lost in deep thoughts of nights past and nights
yet to come, My thoughts turn to you. And I wonder what
you are thinking and if you are looking up at
the night's present, its heavenly mystery, as I lie here
in a state of wonder, My thoughts turn to you.
I share a light grin thinking that how foolish the night's
beauty is, trying in vain to outshine the brightest
and most beautiful star which you hold in your eyes,
my grin turns into a smile thinking how jealous you make
the stars, for now the night's courters no longer play
for them, now they play for you. As I drift away to dream,
my thoughts turn to you. I awake from the warm touch
of the morning sun upon my face, and smell the light
morning dew and once again, my thoughts turn to you.
god i miss him... nothing compairs to him...
Body: This is really sad. If you have problems in your relationships, try and fix them. Dont pretend its okay. Dont push your s away, they are everything to you. Maybe the best thing for you. Listen to them, Treat them like princesses, go out of your way once and a while for them, take care of them when they are sad, and dont let go.
Girl: hey baby i want to show you....
Boy: ( cutting her off ) ugh i'm so mad
Girl: why? whats wrong ?
Boy: ugh everything
Girl: explain baby
Boy: just lost a championship game,
parents flipped out on me for no reason,
and im catching a cold
Girl: well hey there will always be other games,
you know ill take care of you when your sick,
what your parents flip about ?
Boy: they are making me pay them for a car repair
Girl: is it alot of money
Boy: no it just sucks
Boy: but hey i dont feel well im going to go lay down
Boy: bye
Girl: wait i want to give you some...
Boy: cant it wait til tommorow ?
Girl: yeah sure
Girl: bye
Boy: bye
2 hours later a friend of hers asks her to go for a drive ...she goes.....
her friend swerved to avoid a truck....hitting a tree instead
her friend was killed instantly....shes in critical condition
This is the conversation between her sister and her boyfriend
Sister: omg ( crying )
Boy: what? whats wrong ?
Sister: my sister...your gf was involved in a major car wreck
Boy: is she ok ? ?????
Sister: shes in critical condition
Boy: i'll be there in 10 minutes
He shows up to the hospital room ...standing outside the door
going over the last conversation in his mind over and over as he
heard the machines beep and beep and breathing tubes pump
Boy: she wanted to give me something or tell me something
Girls mom: yeah this...
it was an envelope smelling like she did sealed with a kiss in lipstick
he opened it.....
it said ..... your everything to me....i love you with everything i am
and everything i have...i want to spend the rest of my life with you
sealed in it was a ripped movie ticket from the first movie they went to
and the first picture they took together
he kissed the picture as a tear fell from his face onto the picture
it looked as if in the picture she was crying
then the machines flatlined....3 minutes later she was pronounced
... i wonder if he would care if this was me now? would he even come? id go in a heart beat if i had to walk or not. thats how much i love him. he doesnt care any more and thats hurts so bad.....
i fucking miss him going to bed depressed once again.
Current Mood: so much pain (crushed)
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killed_the_soul's journal